NOTE FROM THE EDITOR AND INTRODUCING FRS™
In keeping with the need to provide something new to the reader even in these dark times of incessant bad films we have decided to drop our initial simple verbosity to more graphic, easily understandable numerical schoolboy type ratings system for our movies.
Readers should realise that this is not because of the laziness on the part of our writers, and one more rating system to the existing pool will not make any difference.
We have realised that movie reviewing is a complex process and should not be streamlined akin to a car on an assembly line, but we also feel we have wasted enough words on films that do not even deserve an exclamation. Hence the Faulty Rating System (FRS™), yes this rating is inherently flawed and we hope to achieve some balance as we plod along, there is no science behind this and I’m sure you the reader will have no difficulty in understanding them.
We openly agree that these ratings are not fair, free or fearless and we pray the reader has this in mind all the time.
The Editor, the Lowly Laureate.
Fortunately or unfortunately the first film to be tried under FRS is Irandam Ulagam.
And so it begins.
+1: for anyone making any movie without Santhanam in it. (Fundamental Rule)
+1: for anyone attempting anything other than a comedy featuring Santhanam in combination with some other mildly irritating comic actor. (Extension of fundamental rule)
-3: for trying to show alien land by colouring rocks in purple and orange
-2: white painted face characters that look like they have landed after rehearsing for Dracula: Dead and loving it, the stage musical
-6.5: absolute loss of lip sync, excess point deducted for making audience go through banal dialogue.
– 3: wall of violins to show stirring scenes via classical music BGM, but nothing moves in the movie.
-2: Other world people are dumb, have no concept of love; yet repeatedly try to rape and plunder.
+2: Other world people are actually happy folk whose only worry would have been the non-blooming of color color flowers, do not know why the director is misleading us here. <Points given as grace from audience understanding>
-1: graphics lion whose face is more human than all the human characters in the film
+1: too little irritating characters
-1: too little characters, irritating nevertheless
-2 : orange colour water fall used to indicate other world
-3 : dragons flying over every city but not doing anything else, why are they flying anyway?
-4 : guy drinking in bar, singing badly about love loss, love failure (extra points because this devastating trope has been extended badly to aliens also, yes other world has bar with color color bottles)
-10: Arya in double role
-10: unwanted show of heroine midriff (generally) especially while sword training in winter when everyone in the other world is more clothed in fur than a hundred wolves
-5: the usual trope that however independent the girl is, she becomes a girl only when “vekkam” comes (vekkam comes has a nice ring to it, anyone use it). Heroine equally fierce in battle as hero, but finally subdues herself???
+12: for the foreigners who speak better tamil than the leads
+5: one unexpected happening
-7: caring heroine who surrounds herself with children and do happy-wappy things just so hero can see and fall in love trope
-8: sudden appearance of numerous villainous characters twenty minutes before movie ends
+8: the appearance of hapless villains is laughter evoking.
-3: curiously shaped swords and increased waiting time of thugs to react, so that hero can finish all dialogs
-1: using swearwords on screen is liberating thing (esp this director, see earlier films)
-2: kick in the groin (supposed to evoke laughter, done multiple times)
-7: Unwanted songs, whenever and wherever placed
-1: knowledgeable young oracle called “Amma” who knows everything, just won’t say anything till the end of the movie trope
-290: true love is undying and all that. (Oh my god!)
+15 to all those who feel the movie is an utter and complete waste of time, but who will be sniped by parties who will put arguments such as , “if only this had been a Hollywood director you won’t question anything”
For which there is only one counter-argument, if it is a good movie you will know it when you see it and a good movie can be made anywhere. And it is clearly possible to make a passable-good movie with the above mentioned tropes.
All numbers are arbitrary and instantaneous.
Review Board, the Lowly Laureate